got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
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Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Every damn time
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife