In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
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The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
same energy
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD