Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
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me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”