Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
But I really needed water water water
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.