Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
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Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
kevin is now a local weatherman
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st