I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
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barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
#Thanos #MondayMood