My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
You Might Also Like
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
A choir of Spring onions
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Respect
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers