Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
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My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there