My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
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Geez man, take it easy.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.