Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
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*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.