I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
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doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
#parenting
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.