Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb