Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
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For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
This meal prepping shit easy
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.