romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
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I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
True statement👍😏😁
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Yup
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED