I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
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a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.