getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
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If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
sin harder.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.