Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Ape together strong
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe