[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
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The pen is writier than the sword.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where