she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
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Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.