Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
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I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
yeah no that’s fair
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.