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[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Anyone really
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”