[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
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[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
These work great until they don’t.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.