Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
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[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.