Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
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Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
58.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
rapatouille
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.