*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
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Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.