Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
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My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
At least he brought enough for everyone
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.