I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
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Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
We decided to have money instead of children.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”