If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
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Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
The government even made aliens boring
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog