Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
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Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
channeling her this year
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?