During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.