Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
You Might Also Like
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that