If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
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I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator