I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
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Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
taking June’s advice to heart
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one