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The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
cats when you pet them too long:
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.