I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
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If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
worst…sale…ever
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem