“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
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[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.