‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
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Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
God, I love Scotland
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
We all have our pet causes.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you