Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
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WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*