*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
You Might Also Like
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.