The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
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Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
🙂🙃🥹
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Yoga Matt
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Bring back the McRib
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.