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I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle