Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
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landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
584.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do