me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
oh my gosh!!
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
FINE, I WON’T.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer