[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
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Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon