I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
You Might Also Like
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
a fate I wish upon no one
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
This sounds bad:
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
Saw your ex at the shops
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.