I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
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A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight