Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
You Might Also Like
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?