My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑