Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
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I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
*frowns in Scottish*
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da