I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
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Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Sorry not sorry.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Breaking news:
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked